How To Perform a Tracheotomy

By HOLLIE HARDY
The first thing you need to know is that the tracheotomy 
is an act of desperation and/or violence that should only be 
committed when there is no other option.

SOME CIRCUMSTANCES WHEN IT MIGHT BE NECESSARY TO PERFORM A TRACHEOTOMY:


The victim is choking on a thin mint
and is unresponsive to the “hind-lick” maneuver.
The victim is your lover and he/she has disappointed you
by eating the last Girl Scout cookie.
The victim wrote “Bitch” on the side of your car with a sharpie.
The victim has an irritating, high-pitched voice or a British accent.
The victim is a stranger that fell in front of a bus
wearing shoes you could never afford.

WHAT YOU WILL NEED:

A razor blade, knife, scissors, or hammer
A straw, a pen, or a stale Red Vine®

There will not be time for sterilization of your tools,
so do not bother; infection is the least of your worries.

HOW TO PROCEED:

1. Kneel over the victim and whisper,
  Do you know what you’ve done to deserve this?

2. Move your finger about one inch down the neck
until you feel a bulge.

3. Seize the tool of your choosing, and grasp it with both hands,
high above your head.

4. Aim for the bulge and be brave.

5. Insert the breathing straw into the bloody hole.

6. If you have done the procedure correctly,
you should be able to remove the victim’s shoes.

7. Run away.

 

Hollie Hardy is an MFA poet at San Francisco State University, former Editor-in-Chief of Fourteen HIlls: The SFSU Review, and co-host of the monthly reading series Saturday Night Special, an East Bay Open Mic, in Berkeley, California. Her recent work is published in Eleven Eleven, sParkle & bLINK, A Sharp Piece of Awesome, Parthenon West Review, One Ded Cow, Transfer, Milvia Street, and other journals. Hardy’s Survival Poems have titles ruthlessly appropriated from The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook.

[Purchase your copy of Issue 02 here.]

How To Perform a Tracheotomy

Related Posts

The parthenon in Nashville

March 2024 Poetry Feature: New Poems by Our Contributors

MATT DONOVAN
On my flight to Nashville, after / telling me the Parthenon in his town was far better / than the one in Greece, the guy seated beside me / in the exit row swore that Athena was an absolute / can’t-miss must-see. Her eyes will see into your soul, / he said, no goddamn joke.

picture of a bible opened up

February 2024 Poetry Feature

CORTNEY LAMAR CHARLESTON
There was tear gas deployed without a tear. There were / rubber bullets fired from weapons that also fire lethal rounds. There were / armored vehicles steering through the streets of the capital that stars our maps. // What we saw was only new to the people it was new to.

Headshot of Anne Pierson Wiese

Sharp Shadows

ANNE PIERSON WIESE
On our kitchen wall at a certain time / of year appeared what we called the sharp / shadows. / A slant of western light found / its way through the brown moult of fire / escape hanging on to our Brooklyn rental / building for dear life and etched replicas / of everything