By HOLLIE HARDY
The first thing you need to know is that the tracheotomy is an act of desperation and/or violence that should only be committed when there is no other option.
SOME CIRCUMSTANCES WHEN IT MIGHT BE NECESSARY TO PERFORM A TRACHEOTOMY:
The victim is choking on a thin mint
and is unresponsive to the “hind-lick” maneuver.
The victim is your lover and he/she has disappointed you
by eating the last Girl Scout cookie.
The victim wrote “Bitch” on the side of your car with a sharpie.
The victim has an irritating, high-pitched voice or a British accent.
The victim is a stranger that fell in front of a bus
wearing shoes you could never afford.
WHAT YOU WILL NEED:
A razor blade, knife, scissors, or hammer
A straw, a pen, or a stale Red Vine®
There will not be time for sterilization of your tools,
so do not bother; infection is the least of your worries.
HOW TO PROCEED:
1. Kneel over the victim and whisper,
Do you know what you’ve done to deserve this?
2. Move your finger about one inch down the neck
until you feel a bulge.
3. Seize the tool of your choosing, and grasp it with both hands,
high above your head.
4. Aim for the bulge and be brave.
5. Insert the breathing straw into the bloody hole.
6. If you have done the procedure correctly,
you should be able to remove the victim’s shoes.
7. Run away.
Hollie Hardy is an MFA poet at San Francisco State University, former Editor-in-Chief of Fourteen HIlls: The SFSU Review, and co-host of the monthly reading series Saturday Night Special, an East Bay Open Mic, in Berkeley, California. Her recent work is published in Eleven Eleven, sParkle & bLINK, A Sharp Piece of Awesome, Parthenon West Review, One Ded Cow, Transfer, Milvia Street, and other journals. Hardy’s Survival Poems have titles ruthlessly appropriated from The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook.